Sunday, January 23, 2005


I have so much going through my mind right now. I don't even know where to start. I have like 3 diffrent blogs going through my Tuesday I'm going to my uncle's funeral. I don't want to go, but I think I need to go. I spent alot of my childhood at his house. I have a zillion cousins, but I feel closest to my uncles boys. I have alot of happy memories of staying at their home(memories will be a whole new blog soon). Funerals and I don't mix, though. Ask anybody. The rule is...leave a space for Lori by the door in case she needs to bolt. And I haven't been in large family gathering in a very long time. Every since the stupid panic attacks started. This past summer, I went to a family barbq because my brother and his family were visiting from Wisconsin. There were ALOT of people there and the minute we pulled into the drive...Panic city kicked in. I sat at the the picnic table furthest from everyone else and sat taking my pulse and wondering if my face had turned pale due to incoming heart attack. We left about an hour later. Now at Christmas, it was different. I knew just a handful of people would be there. I had no problems there. But this's gonna be large. Too many people. Too much saddness. I'm going to go....I need to, I have to. I just need all the help I can get to go. I feel so stupid, thinking about myself when my uncle has passed away. He left a wife and 3 boys. Grandchildren too. But hopefully he is with CarolAnne, his daughter who died very young and his son who was stillborn.

Gonna go for the night. Hopefully sleep will come. It's been one of those nonsleeping weekends here. I miss you Uncle Doug. Every time the Tigers play, I will think of you. I love you. Rest in Peace. I'm glad you aren't in pain any longer.


Friday, January 21, 2005

Uncle Doug

Well my Uncle Doug passed away this afternoon. My uncle Keith was with him at the time. Dad was on the phone with Uncle Keith. Even though we knew it was coming, it still hurts. And I don't think my dad is taking it very well. Don't feel much like writing anything else at this time.


Monday, January 17, 2005

Random Thoughts

Lot alot going on. Mom is home and all is well. All her tests came back negative. I'm glad about that but pissed off at my family. Ok so I have 7 brothers and sisters. Two live out of state, but the others knew mom was in the hospital....NOT ONE went to visit or even CALLED to see how she was!!!!!!! That is just so amazing I can't believe it. We went to see her in the ER, and I called the next day. I would have like to have went to see her again, but our car doors froze shut. Ok, so maybe the same thing happened to the other family members, but they could've at least called IMO.

Tomorrow's our anniversary. *whoopdeedoo*! LOL. Oh well.

So not much else to talk about. I'm outtie.


Friday, January 14, 2005


UGH! Either I can't sleep or I sleep way too much. For the longest time I couldn't sleep at all. Afraid I was going to die in my sleep or something. Or afraid our apt. was going to burn down. Lately, it has been completely different. All I want to do is sleep. I stay up 'til 3 or 4 am but then I get Sierra up at 6:30, go back to bed and sleep til noon or later. Then by 5 or 6 I want to lie down and take a nap. I think it's because while I sleep, I dream. And in my dreams, there is no yelling, fighting, criticizing or ingoring. Sometimes I dream of someone who loves me, no questions asked. THe person has no name and I can't really see what he looks like, but he makes me feel good, he makes me feel loved. And when I have this dream, I don't want to wake up. When I do wake up, all I think of is this man...who is he? Will I ever feel like that in real life????

But then last night things changed. I had one helluva nightmare. I dreamt that I, along with 2 other people, murdered a whole family. I saw myself slashing these people with a knife. I saw blood all over me and all over the walls. *Shuddering*. Ugh. In my dream, my ex neighbors knew it was me and kept threatening to tell. It seemed like I felt no regret for what I had done. When I woke up, I kept thinking, what kind of monster am I??? I have no idea why I dreamt this, may be because I watched a movie about John Wayne Gacy that day. But in the movie, they didn't actually show him killing anyone. But anyway, now I am back to not being able to sleep. And besides all that, Mom is the hospital. She had chest pressure and pain and is now being checked for heart disease. I think she is going to be ok, I think she is alot like me and reads too many articles about Heart disease and just convinces herself she is having a heart attack. I do that all the time. At least I hope that's all it is.

Time to try to sleep.


Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Sweet 16

So today, Jessie would be 16. People have been asking me for a few days what's been my problem, why am I so moody. Well duh! Look at the calender idiots. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who remembers her. I always wonder what she would look like. I mean at 2 months she was beautiful. Big brown eyes, that wonderful smile, the dimples everyone commented about, the dark hair that I think would have been curly. She was so dark complected. I miss her so damn much. Sometimes I can't breathe I miss her so much. Sometimes I think she hates me. I mean the night before she died, I had the gaul to say I wish I had never had kids. I didn't kiss her goodnight that night. The first time ever. I guess sometimes you get what you wish for. But you know, that fact I didn't kiss her is what bothers me the most. I would give anything to hold her one more time, to tell her I love her and to kiss that beautiful face. It hurts thinking about her. It hurts seeing her picture. It hurts remembering how bad Kyrie' felt at the age of 2 to not understand where her sister went. I have such an emptiness inside me. But on the other hand, if Jess Jess wouldn't have passed away, would we have Sierra? I mean, I only wanted 2 children. The day before, we talked about Tony having a vasectomy. It's so confusing. I love Sies with all my heart. I could never think of not having her. I feel like I traded one child for another. I know there will be no sleep for me tonite, which is I think I will drink myself into a stupor so I won't have to think anymore. I miss you, Jessie. I LOVE you more than I can ever say. Please forgive me. I hope you are with Uncle Howard and Grandma and Grandpa Saucier. I hope you see Uncle Bob and Aunt Dolly where you are. I hope they all take good care of you. Please don't hate me. I hope where you are, you can run and jump...since you were too small to that here. Take care, Jess. I love you.


Jessica Lynn Saucier
1-11-89 - 3-11-89
So Small, So Sweet, So Soon

Sunday, January 09, 2005

My very first entry.

Ok, so I don't know why I named this I love naked men. It's not like I have seen very many naked men in my life. Most have been tv or movie stars. And I don't really love ALL naked men. I mean fat, hairy naked NO. Like the ones on the movie Eurotrip.....ewwwww. And Homer Simpson naked...ick. But Bruce Willis naked....nice. And Mel Gibson naked....very nice. Ok, I gotta be honest, the only naked man I have seen in my "real" world is my husband. Not too bad, but was better like 15 yrs. Men I want to see naked....

1. Johnny Depp
2. Ty Pennington
3. Bobby Higginson of the Detroit Tigers
4. Ben Wallace of the Detroit Pistons.

So, I have no idea why I decided to create this blog. I saw a link on a fellow poster at SZ, a website I frequent regulary. I thought what the hell. Maybe I can get out some frustrations and feelings here. I just don't know if I really want anyone to actually read this. Anyway, this is all for now. I'm outtie.